I guess I should give myself a bit of a break. I'm beating myself up for not being able to sit down and write anything and I am starting to wonder if perhaps I'm being too hard on myself. (Parenthetically, I'm also wondering if I've used the words "I'm" and "myself" too much in this post already). (Of course, I then wonder if I've used forms of "wonder" too often and then whether "I'm" should be considered one word or two).

This morning was the three-week anniversary of my mother's death and I'm still finding myself haunted by it. I catch myself thinking about calling her, only to remember that she won't be there to answer. That makes me very sad.

The whole melancholy that has settled on my soul is making it very hard for me to sit down and try to write. Writing requires energy, maybe even joy, and I have little of either right now.

Should I beat myself up about it? Probably not. Should I give in to it? No. Maybe I just need to let myself wander to whatever tasks or vocations attract me in a particular moment and not worry too much about it.

That sounds about right.

Tags: Phillip Gold

It's now been exactly three weeks since I last posted a blog entry on this site. Sorry to everyone who has been coming to check from time to time only to find nothing new. I've been away in Ontario, with family, dealing with the death of my beloved mother. Not an easy time for me, nor for all of the members of my family. Mom was special and we're all going to miss her terribly.

Not surprisingly, I have done no creative writing whatsoever during this period. The only thing I did write during this time was the Obituary I wrote for my Mom on the day she died. I am very grateful to my siblings for agreeing to print the Obituary in the newspaper, substantially unchanged from its original form. It is honestly the most important, most personal item I have ever written. We received many compliments on it and I am grateful for those as well, even though many people simply assumed my sister Lynn wrote it! I guess that's something of a compliment to me, however, since Lynn's creative efforts are unfailingly spectacular so, if people thought she wrote it, it must have been okay.

Here it is as it appeared in the Hamilton newspaper:

It is with overwhelming sadness mixed with relief that we announce the passing of our dear mother, Janny Walma (nee Muys), early on Thursday,
April 9, 2009 at her home at Yorkville Place in Dundas. Mom fought a pitched battle with unrelenting lupus for the past eight years; when cancer came for her in the end, she had no strength left to fight it.

We will remember our mother as a strong person, a passionate role model, a loving and devoted mother and grandmother and a good friend. We will miss her every day of our lives.

Mom gave life and life-long love and support to her five children – Klaas, Janice, Michael, Lynn and Mark – whom she loved with a gentle fierceness. She welcomed into her family and loved with that same ferocity her children’s spouses and partners: Catherine, Harry, Gavin, Elizabeth and Patti. She was proud of the fine people she helped us to become and grateful that we found such exceptional people with whom to share our lives.

To her grandchildren – Peter, Tim, Nicholas, Stephen, Isabelle and Edward – Mom gave her heart and soul, savouring every moment she could spend with them, whether in person, on the telephone or via e-mail. We know that one of her only regrets is not to be able to watch them grow into the wonderful people they will become.

Over the years, Mom missed her siblings who predeceased her – Dick, Julie, Corrie, and Heidi – but was grateful for the continuing love and support of those who survive her: Phil, Joanne, Ben and Louise. She welcomed the love and kindness of their spouses and partners: Ed, Marilyn, Gerrit, Gerry, Freddie, Brian, Sara and John.

Mom leaves behind her dear friend Eva and the many good people who made her last year wonderful at Yorkville Place. She loved her friends as family; their kindness and support helped ease the challenges she faced throughout her lifetime.

Our Mom never gave up, no matter what kind of battles she faced in her life. It is a lesson we all take to our hearts.

If you wish to make a donation in memory of Janny Walma, we think the Victorian Order of Nurses, (who provided such wonderful support in her final days) might be a good choice. But, in keeping with our Mom’s devotion to the people she loved, you would be as well served to spend the money on someone you love, with Mom in your hearts as you do so.

Rest in peace, Mom; no one deserves rest more.

I don't feel it would be appropriate for me to write a formal review of the novel Tainted, by Ross Pennie, which I have just finished reading. Ross is a friend and I was lucky enough to have had the chance to have some minor influence on this novel as it was in its early draft stages. I'm afraid, therefore, that any review I could attempt to write would be hopelessly biased.

Let's just say I liked the book. Very much. And I was impressed with how much work Ross evidently put into it after it had passed through the hands of our writers' group. Ross has made significant changes since then and the book is the better for it. If I read Ross' Acknowledgment's correctly, Edna Barker was his editor at ECW and she has done a heck of a job, helping him make an already solid novel even better.

Instead of a review, I offer some of the very positive comments about Tainted that others, more influential than I, have made about it:

Best-selling author of medical thrillers Tess Gerritsen calls it "[f]ascinating and fast-paced" and adds later, "Ross Pennie knows how to weave real science with crackling suspense."

Publishers Weekly writes: "Pennie's mystery debut introduces a winning protagonist" in Dr. Zol Szabo.

And finally, the reviewer for the American Library Association says: "Pennie's novel is a taut and timely work of suspense." The same reviewer adds, "Pennie builds tension perfectly, grabbing readers from the first page and keeping them entranced," and calls Tainted "[M]ust reading for fans of Robin Cook and Peter Clement."

With those kinds of raves from the professional reviewers, who needs more kind words from writing hopefuls like myself? But I add my endorsement to their kind words: Tainted is an exciting read; I can't wait for the next Zol Szabo mystery to find its way into my waiting hands.

Tags: Ross Pennie, Tainted

It's amazing how much writing you can do when you can finally focus and when you know what you wish to write. As many of you know, the past two weeks have been extremely difficult ones for me and my family and the challenges we have been facing have pushed just about everything else out of my mind.

Now that things seem to be getting a little more settled (and now that I'm about 1500 km away from the scene), I am finding myself a little better able to focus on my writing. And that means, of course, Phillip Gold, The Silent Goodbye.

As per a friend's suggestion, I have been working on adding a subplot to the book, one that not only complements the main story line but also brings Gold's legal skills into the picture. I was surprised at how easy it was to slip the beginnings of this subplot into the first fifty pages I had already completed and then it was just a matter of working out the details of this legal subplot and figuring out how it will dovetail with the main plot at the end.

As so often happens, it was in the shower that my mind started putting things together. So now I've got a clear picture of where I'm going with the subplot (with both plots, actually) and I have a very good idea of how the climactic scene will play out. That has allowed me to start doing some "spot writing" — writing scenes from here and there in the novel, scenes of import, scenes that are already worked out in my mind, scenes that will have an impact on how the rest of the book is written.

The first such bit of spot writing I did was blasting out Gold's opening statement in the criminal trial in which he takes part. The legal subplot, not surprisingly, will involve a trial and Gold will show off his courtroom prowess along the way. So I took my lunch hour to write a draft of his opening statement to the jury. It was a fun piece to write but I think I'll have my sister (who was a trial lawyer) and my brother-in-law (who is a judge) read it over to make sure it's at least reasonably authentic.

The next scene I think I'll write will be the action-packed climax. It's clear in my mind what will happen and, once I have it in good shape, the climax will guide how the rest of the story is written.

I'm hopeful that I'll be able to keep up this newfound momentum.

Tags: Phillip Gold